Everyday

God is good. He has helped me in so many ways. Too much to list here.

Wow.  I didn't realize it had been so long since I had posted.  I have been to the studio at least 3 times per week most weeks.  I work on stuff while I am there.  After I go to the studio, I go to see my granddaughter Ella Grace.  She is 10 months old and has been walking a month now.  Very smart and cute.  (Of course I would say that.)

I have been working on a journal.  Everyday I paste the weather from the Martinsville Bulletin in to it.  My son asked me why I did that and I told him that I wanted it as a record and besides I get to cut and paste everyday.  He just laughed.  Then I look at the comic strips.  The one named Zits gets cut out everyday.  I believe that whoever created this cartoon, lives with us or is spying on us.  Most every one is true for us.  So funny.

I am trying to write about different things that have happened in my life back as far as I can remember.  I think it will be fun to look back on it next year to see what happened in my life and with my family.  I have been taking pictures then writing about the picture.  Like, where, what, who, why.  It is a lot of fun.  I even take a picture of an old picture to put in my book.  And I do the same thing to it: who, what, where, why, when.  This brings back a lot of memories.

I have tried some new recipes.  All have been a success.  The most recent is venison.  I have finally perfected the recipe to get the venison moist, and tender.  Tonight we had venison chops and macaroni and cheese.  My son said, "Good meal mama."  I love to hear him say that.

I have started walking a little each day..    My Iphone tracks steps and miles.  I am gonna see how high I can get it.  I have to start slowly because I am so out of shape and a couch potato.  I also have neuropathy of my feet.  I will have to see if this walking makes more pain for me.

Till next time, stay well.

I am sitting in the studio trying to decide what to do next.  I have so much stuff.  I thinned it out, but it is still a lot.  I have been watching videos on youtube regarding canning.  I am so excited to think that I can  put up stuff for winter and feel good about it.  I just need to get some energy.

It amazes me what people can do with trash and make something beautiful.  So many ideas.

I am at the Studio piddling again.  I am starting to get ideas for jewelry in my head and writing them down.  Tonight is First Friday Art Walk.  This is the first time I have been here in a while.  Kinda nervous.  Always feel nervous and want to hide around people.I have to force myself a lot to do things and be around people.  Not a good thing.

Come on out tonight and look around.  You will find some beautiful stuff.

I am sitting in my studio wondering what to do.  So much to do and no energy to do it.  This weekend I went through every bag, box and container at the house and found a lot of jewelry making stuff.  It was exhausting and I did it in shifts and between naps.  I told Mike I did not have to go to the craft store anymore because I had found so much "stuff".  He laughed and said 'you will any way'.  I guess he knows me to well.

Today I am sitting in the Studio trying to decide what to do.  I am cleaning and "dejunking" my space.  I have so much stuff that I have accumulated over time.  My dear sweet husband is always looking for something to bring into the studio for me to use.  I have decided that he is a hoarder.  So frustrating a lot of the times.

I have created a lot of stuff for the studio.  I think that I figured it out a little bit. The more I create the better my sells will be.  I sat up at the Oktoberfest last weekend and did really well.  A lot of people came in to see what was available.  All day long I wanted to run away.  My depression was so bad that day.  I wanted to hide in a corner and not see or talk to any one.  Luckily, I was in the studio and that helped.  It also helped that my husband was there also.  I rely on him alot when I get depressed.

Depression is awful.  I wish there was a ready cure for it and a permanent one.  I guess death is the only permanent one.   I am not going to say that I haven't thought about suicide because I have.  It is a daily thought that pops into my head from time to time.  "I would be better off dead."  That is what goes through my mind. The only thing that keeps me here is my children and husband.  I love them too much to leave them like that.

Robin Williams death has brought depression forward.  I was really saddened for his family and for what he must have been going through to do such a thing.  I have been there.  His death really affected me.  He seemed to always be happy and having fun no matter what.  I myself try to always have a smile on my face and be courteous to others.  But a lot of the time I just want to crawl in bed in a ball and be left alone.  I really have to fight to face each day and each encounter with someone.  It gets very exhausting.  It is hard to understand this unless you have been there yourself.

I am ok today right now.  Tomorrow or tonight I don't know.   My futures appears to be a hard lonely one.

Well it is race day here in Martinsville and it is raining.  I know the people there are not too happy.  We passed a lot of RVs coming home from Staunton yesterday.  I know they were headed to the camp ground.  Oh well.  Maybe the sun will come out.

I am sitting here at my craft table trying to decide what to do and what to make.  I have so many ideas but I can not get them to my hands.  I am taking a wire wrapping class and I am really enjoying it.  For the first time, something interests me but as usual I can't get motivated.

I have had a house guest for the past several weeks.  He is one of Matts friends and he is so nice.  He is very polite and cleans up after himself.  I had a family meeting and included Matts friends and told them that I did not want to pick up after them and they are being very good at it.  I don't like the fact that he has to sleep on the floor but I don't have a bed for him.  He keeps saying that the floor is comfortable and I should not worry about it.  I still feel bad though.

We had to take Matt to the Augusta County Court House yesterday and I guess it turned out ok.  We have to get a lawyer and go back on May 22.  I just wish it was all over.  I did list out to Matt, how much this trip was costing me because I did not want him to be flippant about it.  He seems to have learned his lesson and why he should not smoke pot or drink alcohol.   I hope he continues to learn his lesson and does not have to pay a lot of money to the court.  I am going to make him pay some of it.  I also tole him that we would be there for him the first time but if he does it again, he is on his own.  He said he understood.  We will see.

At the family meeting, I told Mike, I wanted him to go to the doctor and get something for depression.  I think that he is depressed and he is so mean to the kids.  They need him now more than ever to give them advice and help them deal with life in general.  He is into himself and does not want to deal with it.  God I wish it were different.  When they were little, I took total care of them and now that they are older and Mike is retired, I want him to take over.  Big mistake.  I was so sure that when he retired, that I could relax a little and just work and do my crafts.  This is not how it has happened though.  He does nothing but sit in a recliner and hold the dogs in his lap all day and claim that he can't do anything because he has to baby sit the dogs.  I have to hold a lot of anger in which is not healthy I know.  But it is not worth all the fussing and screaming, which is what it would be I am sure.

What I would love to do more than anything is to make more jewelry and relax in my studio and to have a place at home that I could do this also.  My crafting area at home is small and cluttered.  I don't really have enough room to do anything much which is so frustrating.  I have to grit my teeth a lot and not resort to fussing all the time.  I have learned over time that there really is no need to fuss and argue because it does not help any.  But.  I do need to be more assertive.

God help me.  I am so tired and depressed.  I want to do so much but I don't have the space or the money.

I have been sitting here all day watching the snow and ice fall.  It has gotten much colder also.  I suppose the roads will be really slick in the morning.  If it is too bad, I won't even try to get out.  I can do that now.

I have moved my crafting supplies from here to there but I still do not feel inspired to make anything.  I have all this stuff and no motivation or initiative.  What is wrong with me?  I wish I could make happen all the things that I have in my head.  I would be one talented and rich woman.  I would never have to work anywhere for anyone else ever again.  So.  What is stopping me?  That is the question I ask myself every day.  I didn't use to be this way but I am now.

I am a collector of crafting supplies.  I have gobs of stuff all over the house.  Stuff I don't remember what I have.  Yet, I go to the craft store and I buy more.  If I think I might want to do that particular craft, I buy what I need and put it up.

I truly wish I had a room dedicated to my crafting all in one spot.  Mike keeps promising me but he hasn't delivered yet.  It is so frustrating for me.

Sometimes I feel like I have an octopus with all his legs surrounding me.  It ties down my arms and prevents me from working.  It ties up my mind so I can't figure out what to do with anything.

How am I going to get rid of this octopus and be more creative?  I wish someone would tell me how and then help me to do it.

I just finished a basic beading class.  This is more a refresher course than anything.  It was fun and I met some new people.  I also learned some new stuff.  I now know how to earrings better and quicker.  Now all I have to do is practice, practice, practice.  I guess practice does make perfect.

I got up yesterday not knowing what I was going to do.  I called a friend, Deborah, to see what she was doing and find out about her new job.  Turns out we went to Christiansburg together and went shopping.  It was a little retail therapy for us girls.  Both of us needed time away from our husband and children.  We went to Michael's, the schoolhouse, Joann's, pet smart, and goodwill.

I had a fabulous time.  I got me a fish at Pet Smart.  We named him Christian for our trip to Christiansburg.  He pouted and laid on the bottom of the container.  For a brief minute, we thought we had killed him when we got back to my parked car.  I don't know how we could have but it was a thought.  I have to go to Walmart today to get some fish food cause I left it in her car.  I hope he isnot too hungry.

Deborah got a bearded dragon.  He was so cute from what I could see of him.  While we were in Pet Smart, she bought 60 crickets for him to eat.  Now, I want to know if it really was 60 crickets.   They were jumping all over the place and were all different sizes.  They cost 12 cent a piece.   They lived on the way home.

I read on facebook this morning that Deborah was trying to put the crickets in another container so they could live longer and some how they got loose.  She said she was chasing crickets all over the place.  I said to let the dragon eat them.  I almost died laughing with the picture in my mind on her chasing crickets.  What in the world did she do?  Hold the bag open and tell them to move over?  Heehee hee hee.  I am still laughing.  How do you transfer crickets to another container.  I am going to recommend that she take the container with her next time and have the man put them in it there.  The sales person did not seem to have any trouble.  I guess he showed them who was the boss from the get go and they knew who they were dealing with.  I am still laughing.  I gotta see this.  Sorry Deborah, but it is funny.

I am still working on my cookbook and trying to come up with menus and recipes.  I especially am working on the freezer meals.  I am excited to do it.  Just need to get more time.  I have collected alot of recipes and ideas.  Maybe when the house gets warm, I can sit down and work on it.  It should help with my grocery bills as well.  I will be buying only what I need.  I also want to organize my cabinets so I know what I do have.  Job in progress.  Just glad that I feel like doing it.  If you know me, you know this is a big change for the better.

I thought I was feeling better but it turns out I feel worse today.  When is this crud going to go away?
Now Michael is sick.  What next.

This is my third week on the c pap.  Not too bad.  But I keep waking up with it in the bed instead of on my face.  I think it is because when I sleep on my side, it makes noises and wakes me up.  I guess air is escaping somehow.  When I lay flat, I don't even know I have it on.  Go figure.  I am trying to adjust to it and I think I am doing well with it.

I have not felt like making any jewelry but I did get a call from a man who makes paper beads and he wants to show them to me.  I am hoping he will agree to show me how to make paper beads and not charge an arm and a  leg.    I am really excited to meet him tomorrow.  I used to know how to do it, but I can't now for some reason.  May be because I am sick.

I am thinking about starting my polymer clay club again in 2014 and see how far it gets.  It was a lot of fun the few times we met in 2013.  Every body just lost interest I guess.  I think it would be neat to meet with other people and learn from them.

My doxies are asleep as usual.  One wants to sleep on my head while in the recliner.  Ugh.

Matt wants to go shopping for some pants but I don't feel like it right now.  Hoping he will be understanding and agree to go later in the week.  He is a sweet fellow.  He is going back to Woodrow Wilson on Sunday.  So proud of him.

I am sitting in the Toyota place getting my car fixed.  I pray that I have not ruined my car.  I am 3000 miles past due for oil change.  First time I have ever did this with my new car.  I feel so foolish.  I should never let anyone use my car but me.  I always end up in trouble when I do.

I am sick with the crude.  I can't breathe and can't quit coughing.  Sugars are high.  I can't win for losing it seems like.  Mike had it first and gave it to me.  That was his Christmas present to me.  Isn't that what they call true love?  I wonder.

Still working on my cookbook.  Sure could use those frozen meals now that I am sick.  Mike even stated that it would be good to have some in the freezer.

The c-pap machine is working fine.  Except last night I had a stopped up nose.  Not sure how long I wore it.  I tend to take it off during my sleep.  I understand this is normal.

The doxies are doing fine.  They want to hug up to me when I am sick.  Not sure I want that though.

Making plans to get into the studio and work.  I am real excited about how the last pieces turned out in the kiln.  I need to make before and after pictures so you can see what happens.

I must say that my sugars are getting better.  I think I am learning to adjust my insulin better.  I hope it continues.  I would fix my plate at the family meals then look at it to determine how many carbs I had then I would add more insulin.  I can't get over how much better the sugar is today.  I feel better too.

One week today with the c-pap machine.  I think I am getting used to it better now.  Although I have been waking up at 4 am and taking it off and then going back to sleep.  I don't know why but I don't think I should do that.

I am working on a freezer cookbook.  Meals that can be frozen and reheated later.  Now all I need is to find the meats on sale and stock up.  I am so excited.

My doxies are asleep in the rocking chair.  They hate this rainy weather.  I had to force them out the door.

I did not write on my blog last night because I was so tired and depressed.  I went to a supper with the Hospice crew.  You would have thought that would have made me happy but It did not.  What is wrong with me.  I feel like there is a little Pat inside trying to get out but can't because of all the 'stuff' in the way.  I wish I knew the answers.

I did not sleep well last night with the c pap but I don't think it was the machine as much as all the stuff going through my head.  Both boys were not home,  I left my recipes at kroger and I hurt all over.  I just went to bed when I got home.

Now I have to muster up enough energy to bake a cake and do some cooking.  And I have to make myself feel like wanting to go to the parties and have some 'fun'.  This is going to be very hard to do.  I have two parties to go to and act like I am happy and want to be there.   I hate this part of depression.

My doxies are heat hogging today and enjoying themselves.

I just made a weight watchers cake using angel food cake and crushed pineapple.  It frothed up like it said it would do on the package.  Just waiting for it to cook.  Smells good.

Just got back from my sister's house to celebrate Christmas.  Had turkey, gravy, taters, deviled eggs, green beans, macaroni and cheese, ham, corn and tea.  Ate too much as usual.  But so did everyone else.  Now I have to cook for the other family dinner in 1& 1/2 hours.  Wonder what I can eat then?  Not much cause my blood sugar will go sky high.  I did walk 1/4 mile today.

Last night was my third night with c pap machine.  I did not sleep as well and woke up with a dry mouth.  I think I need to put more water in it to start with.  I admit I was trying to save on some distilled water.  I have to pour out right much in the morning.  I may need to change the humidity level also.  I will try both tonight.

I never got out of my pajamas all day but I did make some ear rings.  They turned out pretty good.  I made them out of paper clips and pearls.

I made a big pot of spaghetti sauce tonight which was very good.  The recipe:  2 lb. hamburger browned with 2 onions and 2 garlic bulbs.  Added 2 cans tomatoes and 1 can of tomato paste.  2 tsp following spices:  basil, bay leaves, oregano and 5 tsp parsley.  Salt and pepper to taste.  Simmered for 2 hours.  Love , love, love.  It hit the spot for what my taste bulbs was wanting.  I forgot to make a picture of my plate.  I guess I just dived into it.

My doxies are all over the place and looking good.  Andy wants to sleep on my head when I am sitting in the recliner.  Barney wants to be left alone.  Both are eating good and love to go outside.  You should see them whining and crying at the door when Mike goes outside.  Spoiled rotten.

I plan to go to the studio tomorrow and work with my friend Deborah.  I am excited about that.

Well last night was my second night using the c pap machine.  I did much better and slept much better.  I guess I need to get more used to it.  It did not bother me as much last night.

I delivered the necklace yesterday and Angela loved it.  She could not get over that it was made with a washer and she went and showed it to everybody around her.  She especially liked the adjustable leather strap.  She put it on and wore it the rest of the day.  She was so excited that she hugged me twice.  She is a  very nice lady and very talented and full of ideas.

I made a necklace and ear ring set last night that I am very proud of.  I took rice paper, colored it with alcohol ink, rolled it around some small tubing and glued it in place.  One man told me that the beads reminded him of rolled tobacco.  They are very pretty.  The ear rings match the colors.  I put rose silver beads between the paper beads then attached it to some silver plated necklace and put on a clasp.

Now I think I will set up an Etsy account so be on the look out for it.  I will keep you posted.  My only fear is selling something in the store and then it sales on Etsy.  I guess I will have to make 2 of everything so they will match.

My doxies are as rambunctious as ever.  They love their bacon strips and will practically knock you down to get it.  They are so funny.  It does my heart good to watch them at play.  Makes me want to get down there and play with them to.  But.  They always lick you to death right in the mouth.  I hate that.

Last night was my first night with the C pap machine.  It was not too bad.  It kept leaking some and I had to reposition it several times.  I guess I need to lay one way and not move around.  Machine says I used it 8.5 hours which is pretty good.  Still will need to practice and get used to it.

I am going to deliver a present to a new friend.  I can't wait to see what she thinks about the washer necklace I made for her.  I did not realize that it had to be 80 degrees for the stuff to set and dry.  It took me a lot longer than I realized it would to get it finished.  Soon as I figure out how to do pictures, I will put one on here for everyone to see.

I stamped the washer with alcohol inks, let that dry then poured resin over it to protect it.  That is the part that took so long to dry and set up.  It was fun anyway.  I will need to plan a day to go see her and we look through all the washers and get some more ideas from them for jewelry.  It is amazing to me what you can find at a hardware store.  I need to visit more often and keep my eyes open and my imagination running.  Fun fun fun.

My doxies are flying from one door to the other trying to get out so they can chase the neighbor's cat.  What a ruckus they put up when they do that.  One dog even got under the house and "treed" the cat under the house.  It took hours for him to come out.  We figured when he smelled the food cooking, he would come on out.  He did.  Poor cat does not know what to think.  He just minds his own business and these 2 long hot dogs start running after him.  It is a  funny sight though.

I will post how she like the necklace tomorrow.  I am still learning about blogging so bear with me.

I spent the day at the Studio with my new friend Deborah.  We worked on the placement of the furniture and moved some things around.  She set up all my jewelry in a display that is pleasing to the eye.  I am finally getting organized which is what I desperately needed.  I have so much stuff which will need to be gone through and decided what to keep and what to pack up.  Gosh, I have so much stuff.  I like to touch them and move them around.

I am tired but it is a good kind of tired.  I still feel like I am in a vat of molasses and can hardly move my limbs up and down.  This is what depression feels like.  I wish I could stop being depressed and have lots of energy and feel good.

My puppy dogs are sitting beside me as I write side by side like a sandwich.  This is what they do all the time.  So funny to watch them together.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Today I met an interesting fellow named Rick.  No matter where I go or who I am with, the Hospice nurse always comes out in me.  It was not long before we were talking about his deceased father of 3 months.  I ended up reassuring him that the greatest gift he could give his father was to let him die at home with family around him.  He teared up and I told him that a year from now, he will be glad he had done what he did.  He seemed relieved to talk to someone about it even though I went there with Mike to look at some tools he had for sale.

Depression is so hard to deal with but somehow talking with someone else who is suffering always makes me feel better.  I still hurt.  I still wonder why I am here on this earth.  I am still tired.  And I am still sick.

I have not felt like working on any jewelry so far today.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I want to but I am just too tired.

Took one of my dogs to see a  lady who is making them a warm jacket.  She could not get over how long and skinny he is.  She makes some really pretty stuff and I am honored to have her make my babies a coat.  Now they will not be too cold when outside.  Maybe they will not shake so much.

For supper I am making a pot of vegetable soup.  Boy does it smell good.

Well, I have cleaned all I can without help from a strong back and cooked three meals today.  Now I am tired and bored.  What should I do next.  I have plenty to do but nothing I want to do.  This is serious.  Depression is so bad.  Wish I knew a cure that was instant.

I did have a great thanksgiving.  I made spaghetti and everybody loved it.  I was proud of myself because I could not find my recipe so I did it from memory.  Only needed salt and pepper.  Yea.  I made everyone happy for a few hours.

Andy and Barney, my doxies, are asleep on dad's lap.  They always end up on him when he sits down. He claims he does not like it, but you can tell he does.

We were talking early this morning and I told him that when I start using the C-Pap machine to use at night to keep me from not breathing when I sleep, and get my depression meds right, he is going to wake up one morning and say,  "I married a young woman. "  Because I was going to be working circles around him.   He said without skipping a beat,  "Damn if I knew that was gonna happen I would have got that machine for you a long time ago."  He thinks he is so smart.

I am still working on my mother's book.  I may never finish it because I always see something to change when I open it up.  It has been fun though.  I enjoy going to the library and doing research.  Sure I could do it at home on the computer, but that does not get me out of the house and around people.

I have made 10 beautiful bracelets for future craft shows.  I am now learning how to make a duct tape rose.  I think they will sell well also.