I am sitting in my studio wondering what to do.  So much to do and no energy to do it.  This weekend I went through every bag, box and container at the house and found a lot of jewelry making stuff.  It was exhausting and I did it in shifts and between naps.  I told Mike I did not have to go to the craft store anymore because I had found so much "stuff".  He laughed and said 'you will any way'.  I guess he knows me to well.

Today I am sitting in the Studio trying to decide what to do.  I am cleaning and "dejunking" my space.  I have so much stuff that I have accumulated over time.  My dear sweet husband is always looking for something to bring into the studio for me to use.  I have decided that he is a hoarder.  So frustrating a lot of the times.

I have created a lot of stuff for the studio.  I think that I figured it out a little bit. The more I create the better my sells will be.  I sat up at the Oktoberfest last weekend and did really well.  A lot of people came in to see what was available.  All day long I wanted to run away.  My depression was so bad that day.  I wanted to hide in a corner and not see or talk to any one.  Luckily, I was in the studio and that helped.  It also helped that my husband was there also.  I rely on him alot when I get depressed.

Depression is awful.  I wish there was a ready cure for it and a permanent one.  I guess death is the only permanent one.   I am not going to say that I haven't thought about suicide because I have.  It is a daily thought that pops into my head from time to time.  "I would be better off dead."  That is what goes through my mind. The only thing that keeps me here is my children and husband.  I love them too much to leave them like that.

Robin Williams death has brought depression forward.  I was really saddened for his family and for what he must have been going through to do such a thing.  I have been there.  His death really affected me.  He seemed to always be happy and having fun no matter what.  I myself try to always have a smile on my face and be courteous to others.  But a lot of the time I just want to crawl in bed in a ball and be left alone.  I really have to fight to face each day and each encounter with someone.  It gets very exhausting.  It is hard to understand this unless you have been there yourself.

I am ok today right now.  Tomorrow or tonight I don't know.   My futures appears to be a hard lonely one.