Well it is race day here in Martinsville and it is raining.  I know the people there are not too happy.  We passed a lot of RVs coming home from Staunton yesterday.  I know they were headed to the camp ground.  Oh well.  Maybe the sun will come out.

I am sitting here at my craft table trying to decide what to do and what to make.  I have so many ideas but I can not get them to my hands.  I am taking a wire wrapping class and I am really enjoying it.  For the first time, something interests me but as usual I can't get motivated.

I have had a house guest for the past several weeks.  He is one of Matts friends and he is so nice.  He is very polite and cleans up after himself.  I had a family meeting and included Matts friends and told them that I did not want to pick up after them and they are being very good at it.  I don't like the fact that he has to sleep on the floor but I don't have a bed for him.  He keeps saying that the floor is comfortable and I should not worry about it.  I still feel bad though.

We had to take Matt to the Augusta County Court House yesterday and I guess it turned out ok.  We have to get a lawyer and go back on May 22.  I just wish it was all over.  I did list out to Matt, how much this trip was costing me because I did not want him to be flippant about it.  He seems to have learned his lesson and why he should not smoke pot or drink alcohol.   I hope he continues to learn his lesson and does not have to pay a lot of money to the court.  I am going to make him pay some of it.  I also tole him that we would be there for him the first time but if he does it again, he is on his own.  He said he understood.  We will see.

At the family meeting, I told Mike, I wanted him to go to the doctor and get something for depression.  I think that he is depressed and he is so mean to the kids.  They need him now more than ever to give them advice and help them deal with life in general.  He is into himself and does not want to deal with it.  God I wish it were different.  When they were little, I took total care of them and now that they are older and Mike is retired, I want him to take over.  Big mistake.  I was so sure that when he retired, that I could relax a little and just work and do my crafts.  This is not how it has happened though.  He does nothing but sit in a recliner and hold the dogs in his lap all day and claim that he can't do anything because he has to baby sit the dogs.  I have to hold a lot of anger in which is not healthy I know.  But it is not worth all the fussing and screaming, which is what it would be I am sure.

What I would love to do more than anything is to make more jewelry and relax in my studio and to have a place at home that I could do this also.  My crafting area at home is small and cluttered.  I don't really have enough room to do anything much which is so frustrating.  I have to grit my teeth a lot and not resort to fussing all the time.  I have learned over time that there really is no need to fuss and argue because it does not help any.  But.  I do need to be more assertive.

God help me.  I am so tired and depressed.  I want to do so much but I don't have the space or the money.

I have been sitting here all day watching the snow and ice fall.  It has gotten much colder also.  I suppose the roads will be really slick in the morning.  If it is too bad, I won't even try to get out.  I can do that now.

I have moved my crafting supplies from here to there but I still do not feel inspired to make anything.  I have all this stuff and no motivation or initiative.  What is wrong with me?  I wish I could make happen all the things that I have in my head.  I would be one talented and rich woman.  I would never have to work anywhere for anyone else ever again.  So.  What is stopping me?  That is the question I ask myself every day.  I didn't use to be this way but I am now.

I am a collector of crafting supplies.  I have gobs of stuff all over the house.  Stuff I don't remember what I have.  Yet, I go to the craft store and I buy more.  If I think I might want to do that particular craft, I buy what I need and put it up.

I truly wish I had a room dedicated to my crafting all in one spot.  Mike keeps promising me but he hasn't delivered yet.  It is so frustrating for me.

Sometimes I feel like I have an octopus with all his legs surrounding me.  It ties down my arms and prevents me from working.  It ties up my mind so I can't figure out what to do with anything.

How am I going to get rid of this octopus and be more creative?  I wish someone would tell me how and then help me to do it.