I am sitting in the studio trying to decide what to do next.  I have so much stuff.  I thinned it out, but it is still a lot.  I have been watching videos on youtube regarding canning.  I am so excited to think that I can  put up stuff for winter and feel good about it.  I just need to get some energy.

It amazes me what people can do with trash and make something beautiful.  So many ideas.

I am at the Studio piddling again.  I am starting to get ideas for jewelry in my head and writing them down.  Tonight is First Friday Art Walk.  This is the first time I have been here in a while.  Kinda nervous.  Always feel nervous and want to hide around people.I have to force myself a lot to do things and be around people.  Not a good thing.

Come on out tonight and look around.  You will find some beautiful stuff.

I am sitting in my studio wondering what to do.  So much to do and no energy to do it.  This weekend I went through every bag, box and container at the house and found a lot of jewelry making stuff.  It was exhausting and I did it in shifts and between naps.  I told Mike I did not have to go to the craft store anymore because I had found so much "stuff".  He laughed and said 'you will any way'.  I guess he knows me to well.

Today I am sitting in the Studio trying to decide what to do.  I am cleaning and "dejunking" my space.  I have so much stuff that I have accumulated over time.  My dear sweet husband is always looking for something to bring into the studio for me to use.  I have decided that he is a hoarder.  So frustrating a lot of the times.

I have created a lot of stuff for the studio.  I think that I figured it out a little bit. The more I create the better my sells will be.  I sat up at the Oktoberfest last weekend and did really well.  A lot of people came in to see what was available.  All day long I wanted to run away.  My depression was so bad that day.  I wanted to hide in a corner and not see or talk to any one.  Luckily, I was in the studio and that helped.  It also helped that my husband was there also.  I rely on him alot when I get depressed.

Depression is awful.  I wish there was a ready cure for it and a permanent one.  I guess death is the only permanent one.   I am not going to say that I haven't thought about suicide because I have.  It is a daily thought that pops into my head from time to time.  "I would be better off dead."  That is what goes through my mind. The only thing that keeps me here is my children and husband.  I love them too much to leave them like that.

Robin Williams death has brought depression forward.  I was really saddened for his family and for what he must have been going through to do such a thing.  I have been there.  His death really affected me.  He seemed to always be happy and having fun no matter what.  I myself try to always have a smile on my face and be courteous to others.  But a lot of the time I just want to crawl in bed in a ball and be left alone.  I really have to fight to face each day and each encounter with someone.  It gets very exhausting.  It is hard to understand this unless you have been there yourself.

I am ok today right now.  Tomorrow or tonight I don't know.   My futures appears to be a hard lonely one.

Well it is race day here in Martinsville and it is raining.  I know the people there are not too happy.  We passed a lot of RVs coming home from Staunton yesterday.  I know they were headed to the camp ground.  Oh well.  Maybe the sun will come out.

I am sitting here at my craft table trying to decide what to do and what to make.  I have so many ideas but I can not get them to my hands.  I am taking a wire wrapping class and I am really enjoying it.  For the first time, something interests me but as usual I can't get motivated.

I have had a house guest for the past several weeks.  He is one of Matts friends and he is so nice.  He is very polite and cleans up after himself.  I had a family meeting and included Matts friends and told them that I did not want to pick up after them and they are being very good at it.  I don't like the fact that he has to sleep on the floor but I don't have a bed for him.  He keeps saying that the floor is comfortable and I should not worry about it.  I still feel bad though.

We had to take Matt to the Augusta County Court House yesterday and I guess it turned out ok.  We have to get a lawyer and go back on May 22.  I just wish it was all over.  I did list out to Matt, how much this trip was costing me because I did not want him to be flippant about it.  He seems to have learned his lesson and why he should not smoke pot or drink alcohol.   I hope he continues to learn his lesson and does not have to pay a lot of money to the court.  I am going to make him pay some of it.  I also tole him that we would be there for him the first time but if he does it again, he is on his own.  He said he understood.  We will see.

At the family meeting, I told Mike, I wanted him to go to the doctor and get something for depression.  I think that he is depressed and he is so mean to the kids.  They need him now more than ever to give them advice and help them deal with life in general.  He is into himself and does not want to deal with it.  God I wish it were different.  When they were little, I took total care of them and now that they are older and Mike is retired, I want him to take over.  Big mistake.  I was so sure that when he retired, that I could relax a little and just work and do my crafts.  This is not how it has happened though.  He does nothing but sit in a recliner and hold the dogs in his lap all day and claim that he can't do anything because he has to baby sit the dogs.  I have to hold a lot of anger in which is not healthy I know.  But it is not worth all the fussing and screaming, which is what it would be I am sure.

What I would love to do more than anything is to make more jewelry and relax in my studio and to have a place at home that I could do this also.  My crafting area at home is small and cluttered.  I don't really have enough room to do anything much which is so frustrating.  I have to grit my teeth a lot and not resort to fussing all the time.  I have learned over time that there really is no need to fuss and argue because it does not help any.  But.  I do need to be more assertive.

God help me.  I am so tired and depressed.  I want to do so much but I don't have the space or the money.

I have been sitting here all day watching the snow and ice fall.  It has gotten much colder also.  I suppose the roads will be really slick in the morning.  If it is too bad, I won't even try to get out.  I can do that now.

I have moved my crafting supplies from here to there but I still do not feel inspired to make anything.  I have all this stuff and no motivation or initiative.  What is wrong with me?  I wish I could make happen all the things that I have in my head.  I would be one talented and rich woman.  I would never have to work anywhere for anyone else ever again.  So.  What is stopping me?  That is the question I ask myself every day.  I didn't use to be this way but I am now.

I am a collector of crafting supplies.  I have gobs of stuff all over the house.  Stuff I don't remember what I have.  Yet, I go to the craft store and I buy more.  If I think I might want to do that particular craft, I buy what I need and put it up.

I truly wish I had a room dedicated to my crafting all in one spot.  Mike keeps promising me but he hasn't delivered yet.  It is so frustrating for me.

Sometimes I feel like I have an octopus with all his legs surrounding me.  It ties down my arms and prevents me from working.  It ties up my mind so I can't figure out what to do with anything.

How am I going to get rid of this octopus and be more creative?  I wish someone would tell me how and then help me to do it.

I just finished a basic beading class.  This is more a refresher course than anything.  It was fun and I met some new people.  I also learned some new stuff.  I now know how to earrings better and quicker.  Now all I have to do is practice, practice, practice.  I guess practice does make perfect.

I got up yesterday not knowing what I was going to do.  I called a friend, Deborah, to see what she was doing and find out about her new job.  Turns out we went to Christiansburg together and went shopping.  It was a little retail therapy for us girls.  Both of us needed time away from our husband and children.  We went to Michael's, the schoolhouse, Joann's, pet smart, and goodwill.

I had a fabulous time.  I got me a fish at Pet Smart.  We named him Christian for our trip to Christiansburg.  He pouted and laid on the bottom of the container.  For a brief minute, we thought we had killed him when we got back to my parked car.  I don't know how we could have but it was a thought.  I have to go to Walmart today to get some fish food cause I left it in her car.  I hope he isnot too hungry.

Deborah got a bearded dragon.  He was so cute from what I could see of him.  While we were in Pet Smart, she bought 60 crickets for him to eat.  Now, I want to know if it really was 60 crickets.   They were jumping all over the place and were all different sizes.  They cost 12 cent a piece.   They lived on the way home.

I read on facebook this morning that Deborah was trying to put the crickets in another container so they could live longer and some how they got loose.  She said she was chasing crickets all over the place.  I said to let the dragon eat them.  I almost died laughing with the picture in my mind on her chasing crickets.  What in the world did she do?  Hold the bag open and tell them to move over?  Heehee hee hee.  I am still laughing.  How do you transfer crickets to another container.  I am going to recommend that she take the container with her next time and have the man put them in it there.  The sales person did not seem to have any trouble.  I guess he showed them who was the boss from the get go and they knew who they were dealing with.  I am still laughing.  I gotta see this.  Sorry Deborah, but it is funny.

I am still working on my cookbook and trying to come up with menus and recipes.  I especially am working on the freezer meals.  I am excited to do it.  Just need to get more time.  I have collected alot of recipes and ideas.  Maybe when the house gets warm, I can sit down and work on it.  It should help with my grocery bills as well.  I will be buying only what I need.  I also want to organize my cabinets so I know what I do have.  Job in progress.  Just glad that I feel like doing it.  If you know me, you know this is a big change for the better.